Technology Changes The Way We Grieve

Todd Plitt gives a great depiction of how technology is changing the way we grieve. When referring to attending a funeral via live video stream, John Reed (a funeral director) says, “The new generation has grown up with this type of technology. As we move forward, we’re going to see more people who want to do this. The older people will die off, and their values will leave with them.” This was not necessary and extreme – especially given the topic!

I see nothing wrong with attending virtually if one absolutely cannot make it live. I would hope that this would not end up being the norm. Face-to-face human contact, particularly at a time like this, is very important to the bereaved. If human contact dies off, where are we as a species – too busy to take a break from our digital devices to be present?

Technology DOES have a place in the grief process – memories via Facebook (such as Angelo Merendino’s page dedicated to his wife who died of breast cancer), online blogs, guest books, etc. Just keep it in perspective.

A great example of this is when a member of my church lost her husband quickly and unexpectedly this year, someone organized a meal sign up for several months using meal-train. It eliminated the need for phone trees and increased efficiency – and facilitated sensitivity to the bereft’s grieving process. The griever puts their preferences online: how and when to deliver food (so she doesn’t have to be home) and dietary restrictions. The rest of the community signs up and delivers. The bereaved can have her space but also knows we are here if she wants to talk.

Grief is one of the rawest of emotions where you are cracked open and vulnerable. The process is unpredictable and painful. No machine can comfort you. Comments on your Facebook page help but when you shut down the computer if you don’t at some point have a human witness in flesh there with you to give you what you need – a hug, hold your hand, or to just listen – then you are at best prolonging your grief and at worst exacerbating your emotional state.

Nothing can ever replace mindful, compassionate presence. This is why we are messy human BEINGS versus efficient processing MACHINES.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Relationships: Divorce and Death – Thoughts and Difficult Questions

When one is divorced, unfortunately there is a lot of societal judgment and shame. I like to think this is changing as we move collectively to supporting more truth, learning and authentic relationships. Leading parallel lives is easy. Truly intimate relationships are not easy, requiring sacrifice and compromise from both partners daily – in large and small ways. The reward is the promise of connection and an easier, more fulfilling life than if one were alone.

If one has worked hard in their relationship and the other person isn’t doing their part or there is abuse, then the choice to separate is life giving and healthy for both as it will catalyze some kind of change in both partners – such as peace, acceptance, responsibility (maybe anger!). I see all of it as a healing process. It is a death needing to be grieved: loss of a dream and a connection.

All grief requires support – time and space. After divorce what is reasonably sufficient time to expect someone to move on from the marriage and memories – 1, 2, 3 years – or should this be never? After all, there may have been some great times amidst the pain. The divorcee may still love their spouse and wished it had worked but knows it can’t for whatever reason. Also, they may have children together. When the divorcee remarries, is it okay to grieve that loss in front of their new partner or should they do this in private? If they are still grieving, what does this say – about them, their former marriage, their current marriage? Is it okay to still remember anniversaries and “the” court date (death of the marriage)? Some may celebrate the court date every year! How should the new spouse respond?

When one is widowed society gives unquestionable and ongoing compassion and support – forever. Maybe this is because in some sense the end of the relationship is outside the grieving spouse’s control and they didn’t want the connection to end. And, of course, others grieve the loss of the departed. Death removes all blemishes and strengthens the best virtues. The spouse left behind is a victim of circumstances and life changed whether they wanted it to or not. If the person remarries, is it okay to have this grief continue into the new marriage in front of the new spouse for many years or forever, or should the partner deal with their grief separately?  How should the new spouse respond?

Could it not be true with divorce, the partner also did not want the relationship to end and, either it was outside their control or they knew no other life affirming choice? Why are “divorced people” branded as failures versus courageous relationship warriors risking the absolute devastation of a broken heart for the promise of a healthier, more truthful life?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

A Mother’s Love Knows No Boundaries: Link Between Mother’s Brain Waves and Baby’s Heart Waves

“A HeartMath^® IHM study showed that when a mother placed her attention on her infant, she became more sensitive to the subtle electromagnetic signals generated from the infant’s heart. The infant’s heart signal was clearly detected in the mother’s brainwaves.

Mysteries of the Heart

"It is not commonly known that a baby’s heart develops and begins beating in the fetus before the brain is formed. Or that the human heart possesses a complex energetic system that processes electromagnetic information that research shows can be detected up to three feet outside the body.

IHM’s research shows the heart produces 40 to 60 times more electrical amplitude than the brain. The heart acts like a director, and much of the rest of the human body follows its lead.

‘The heart puts out a powerful, rhythmic signal that the brain responds to,’ IHM Director of Research Dr. Rollin McCraty has explained. ‘In a way, we could say that the heart and brain ‘talk’ to one another, and together they set the rhythms for the entire nervous system and body.’

The heart also sends signals about how we feel. As we experience emotions such as happiness, sadness, love and fear, that emotional information is encoded in signals from the heart and projected around us.”

Christiane Northrup (a pioneer in Women’s Health) also cites studies that the baby’s cells can be detected in the mother’s blood for as long as 27 years of age after birth. This gives credence to why mother’s can also sense things in their young adult children. Incredible!

Whether it is the blood or the heart, there are biological reasons, not just emotional, as to why the mother/child connection is so strong. Happy Mother’s Day!

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.               www.sagelead.com