Leadership, Trauma and the Capacity to Stay Present Amidst Tragedy

What the President secretly did at Sandy Hook Elementary School.

Wow. This made me sob.

Thank you Joshua Dubois for giving us a peek into the character of President Obama.

I don’t care what anyone thinks of his politics – for or against – Doing a good job or not.

This man is an amazing human being – To have the strength, authenticity, compassion and tenderness of heart to hold these people’s unfathomable pain in the midst of such tragic loss.

This is what a great leader does: listens, is present, and can bear the unbearable for those he serves. On this day three years ago, President Obama was heroic.

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Reflections in Radioland: Leadership, Trauma & Gun Control

I co-hosted another radio show with Xander Gibb on Saturday. We dedicated it to the victims of Sandy Hook, as it was the third anniversary of this tragedy, and John Lennon, as it is the 35th anniversary of his death.

Xandermonium Talk Show

Regardless of where you stand on the gun control issue, one thing is clear: The United States has a problem that needs solving, and it will require concessions on both sides of the issue. In the last 25 minutes of this talk show, Xander Gibb, Brad Greene and I discuss this complex topic.

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Magic Monday: Leadership & Trauma

 Words of Manic Monday by The Bangles and modified by Susan Shaner. Musician: Dan Brodax.

Where can you find the magic at work today?

Today is the third anniversary of Sandy Hook. I am particularly aware of this since I live 15 minutes from the school. When traumas of this nature strike, we are effected on all levels. In the case of Sandy Hook, it hit such a chord because of the nature of it: young, innocent school children sitting in their classroom learning. It undermined the inherent trust we, as parents, have in society when we send our child to school everyday.

First, your mind tries to process what really happened. Then you are overcome with shock, anger, sadness, grief – a range of emotions. These become physical and manifest in the body if not fully processed. Getting clear on your emotions and expressing and releasing them is the way to not have any negative emotions lodge themselves in a vulnerable spot in your body and surface weeks or months down the road via illness or disease.

Leaders are not immune from the stress and effects of trauma. The difference is they have more pressure because all eyes are on them and they have to react in a timely and thoughtful manner. They are responsible, which means having the ability to respond. At a time when they may be experiencing all the emotions of the average person – they have to ensure their frontal lobe – rational brain – is working on all cylinders. So it doesn’t mean they don’t feel to the depths or in ways others do. It’s more a question of what do they do with those feelings and when and how they process them. 

I heard that one of the first responders to Sandy Hook, a professional with many years experience, handed in his resignation immediately after responding to the scene. It was more than he could bear. Everyone has a different capacity to handle such trauma and you never know what your capacity is, until you are confronted with it.

Some people choose professions where managing trauma is a daily occurrence – therapists, doctors, EMTs to name a few. Being an elementary school teacher is a profession where you would not expect to be confronted with trauma on a daily basis. Yet many of those teachers instinctually rose to the occasion – because they put survival and protection before anything else in that moment. In order to do this, parts of the brain have to shutdown. Otherwise, the individual would be overcome with the horrors. Developing strength, resiliency and the ability to compartmentalize are core skills needed for all leaders today in order to navigate crises and traumas so you can effectively lead people to safe solutions. 

Three years from Sandy Hook and sixteen years from Columbine and we still have a serious problem with guns and violence in this country. We all need to help our elected officials better problem solve this issue. In times of crisis and with complex problems, we need deep reflection, engagement and open dialogue to come up with viable, sustainable solutions.

This week’s reflection: Where are you challenged in your own leadership with bouncing back from set backs or traumatic events? What can you do to foster more open dialogue and listening in situations that involve tension or trauma?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Reflections in Radio Land: Holidays & Integrating Grief

Here is my first radio show with Xander Gibb. Thank you Xander! I enjoyed the show. We talked about celebrating the holidays, managing ourselves as multi-dimensional people, and our guest was Margaret Echeverria. She talked about her experience with her son dying from SIDS.

Xandermonium Episode 155

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Follow up Friday: What Helps With Processing Shock & Grief

Monday’s post asked the question: what helps with exercising self-care in processing grief and looking for ways to help those effected by the loss of a loved one? In my own reflection I noticed:

Recognizing this is important – grieving is a process and has a timing all it’s own. I need to be kind and gentle with myself. The sadness and grief I feel for my friend Lisa reverberates and makes grief from past losses available in the present. It’s like a cumulative effect. A friend said it this way: “loss intensifies as you get older because you have more experience and therefore more losses.” Processing loss is a needed skill to fully embrace life.

I also felt shock and trauma from the way in which Lisa died: shot by her husband, in her home, with possibly two of her four children present. I still don’t yet have details about what happened except he drove away afterward. Periodically it would hit me that she is gone. My friends and I kept rewinding our conversations wishing there was something we could have done to prevent it – and accepting there isn’t.

I had moments of crying, wondering: Did she know? Did she suffer? How could he leave her to die? How are her children? I kept checking the news to see if any additional information was available on a service or to learn of any new details on what happened. I was grasping for a sense of control by trying to understand something incomprehensible. Ultimately I felt powerless and sad for her children.

I noticed when I pay attention to the absence of my friend, my grief intensifies. When it felt too much to bear, I reached out to others to help me process and hold it all. It helps to talk to mutual friends. I was surprised by some people who reached out to me. One friend said, “I don’t even know the women and it’s effecting me so much – so sad.”

I realized it is important to work with my mind to embrace life-affirming qualities. Breathing deeply helps me embrace the pain allowing it to wash over. Paying attention to what is present versus absent helps. It allows me to appreciate the presence of love, beauty and awareness to balance the loss and give me relief.

What could I do to help her children? I sent them thoughts and prayers and contributed to a Go Fund Me page to pay for care they will need to heal.

What did you notice in reflecting on how you process grief?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Working with Grief & Shock

Last Monday, I said I would post an entry every week on Magic Mondays, with a Follow-up Friday.
Sometimes we can have the best laid plans…
And then life hits us in the face.

I was getting ready to post a completely different blog entry today when I got an email from a fellow yoga instructor, that stopped me in my tracks. A friend of mine, who had gone through yoga teacher training with us, was murdered by her husband last night during the lunar eclipse.

I have been in shock and grieving ever since.

My original entry is not important now.

I last saw this friend, Lisa, on August 2^nd, at a party when she told me she was going to file for divorce. I suggested she think carefully about how, where, when she would tell her husband as she had some concerns about his reaction.

I texted her 12 days ago to check-in and see how she was doing. I did not hear back so called and left a voicemail message last week. People get busy and you eventually catch up with each other… or so you hope. My heart goes out to Lisa and her family, particularly her four children – who now have no parents.

It’s ironic that last week I was talking about guns, violence and mental illness.  Needless to say, I wasn’t productive after this news today. Our yoga community supported each other via calls and emails. One of our mutual friends and fellow instructor, came over and we hugged, talked, did some healing meditations and said prayers for Lisa and her family.

Being connected with family and friends helps with shock and grief – so does talking, expressing, and trying to make sense of senseless acts. I noticed I was judging myself because I broke down and cried. Why wouldn’t I? It’s horrific news. Why was I judging myself at this time?

My reflection question for myself and others going through something similar:
What helps with exercising self-care in processing the loss and senseless act of violence and looking for ways to help those effected?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.