Walking On Broken Glass Part 2: Making Sense & Lessons Learned

Just in case you missed it, here is the not-so-flattering picture of me. Yesterday I described my experience of walking on broken glass. Now, I want to reflect on it with you and share what sense I make of it and how I integrate this experience into lessons learned that I can apply going forward. It I asked and answered a number of questions for myself….

Why would anyone propose such an exercise?
Because that is what it is – an exercise to get at your fear – so you can face it and overcome it.

Does this really translate to other situations?
It’s up to me to reflect on it and extrapolate the learnings. It will only have the meaning that I choose to give it. Otherwise it was just that, an experience in the past. Navigating life and business can feel (metaphorically) feel like walking on broken glass at times – afraid of the sharp edges, getting hurt, not making it through or embarrassing myself in front of others. In our vulnerable moments, we need to lean on others while we keep our vision as there is lots to distract us.

Isn’t this insane – why go to such lengths?
Yes, it is extreme. The objective is to give you a visceral experience that you feel/anchor in the cells of your body so you can recall it more immediately and powerfully than if it was an intellectual exercise.

Aren’t there other more, rational ways, to get at the same learning?
Perhaps, but this is the one that was offered to me at this time.

Would I ever do this again?
I don’t know. But I do know if I do, I need to keep my eyes fixed straight ahead at my vision and not get derailed by “listening to my feet.”

What really got me to do the exercise?

1. Wanting to overcome what is holding me back. Hoping for that breakthrough, to be different afterwards.
2. Seeing the leader do it unscathed.
3. Seeing my peers do it unscathed.
4. Wondering what if I didn’t do it, how would I feel?
5. What if I did do it, how would I feel?

There’s much to be mined and to mind.
Lessons learned:

1. You really can meet most challenges that come your way – with enough focus, breath, and support.
2. Know when you really do need a visceral experience to remind yourself that you can overcome your fear.
3. Follow a leader who shows you they have been where they ask you to go, particularly if it’s a scary place. Do as they do, not as they say.
4. Watch others who have mastered what you want to master and learn from them.
5. When you feel vulnerable, you need to keep a positive mind and lean on others for support.
6. The greater the challenge – real or imaginary – the greater need for community.
7. Listen to your body. It holds the wisdom.
8. When your first impulse is to run or say no – get curious, move closer and explore that space. Even if you land in the same place, it will be a fuller, more enlightened no.
9. Always have Epsom salts, tweezers and bandaids on hand when doing this exercise. Do not do at home without expert supervision.

© Copyright 2016 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC. All rights Reserved.

Focus Friday: The Journey from Trauma to Nurturance – Dentists Who Lead In Creating a Nurturing Environment

Dentistry, leadership and nurturing environment. Do all these words really go together in one thought? I don’t know anyone, other than my daughter, who loves going to the dentist. Most people hate going, perhaps because they fear needles, pain, the drill sound or just the unknown.

I myself had a really bad experience about eight years ago. The dentist I had been going to retired, and someone bought his practice. At that time, I had been going to the practice for probably about fifteen years so I stayed and went to “the new guy.” After one or two visits, he discovered a cavity, which I don’t recall having in the previous fifteen years. Here is where it gets hairy.

Ever since I was two years old, I have had an aversion to needles. I was hospitalized with pneumonia and had so many shots of penicillin that it created a hole in my skin and in my psyche. Since then I was terrified of needles. Today, although not pleasant, I can tolerate a poke in the arm. My mouth is a different situation – I’m a sensitive type and have a sensitive nervous system. Even though I practice yoga, and have strengthened it, it’s still sensitive.

But at this time, I had not yet developed a consistent yoga practice and when I went to “the new guy” to fill my cavity, here is what happened: He gave me a shot in my gums. I don’t remember being given a local anesthetic and I don’t remember feeling particularly numb after the injection. When he started to drill, it really hurt. I tried to bear it. Pain is a relative thing. How does one really, objectively know their tolerance for pain? I always say that, even though I am sensitive, I must have a fairly high level of tolerance since, after all, “I gave birth to my daughter without medication.” Shouldn’t that count for some kind of hero’s acknowledgement? It certainly wasn’t a cakewalk and required perseverance, stamina and a gritty will.

Back to the drill. After a while, it was so unbearable, and I felt so vulnerable – there with my mouth open and unable to speak – that I started to groan in agony. The dentist had many options at that point. Here is what he did: he said, “You can feel that?”
What did he think, I was groaning for jollies?
I said, “Yes, I can.”
“You can’t feel that. You shouldn’t be able to feel that.”
“Well I can.”

I don’t remember what happened after that – if he gave me another shot or not. What I do remember is I felt traumatized and shamed. It was a small office and when I walked out, I felt people, including the receptionist, looking at me since they could hear my groans. Was I a baby?

Here is what I did: I wrote a letter to the dentist about my experience – what it felt like for me in his chair. I encouraged him to think differently about how he practiced. I told him I was leaving the practice and I never went back. I sought a holistic dentist who replaced half of my mercury fillings (all paid for out of pocket!) without the trauma. I didn’t do anymore as it was costly and I didn’t want to upset more mercury in my mouth.

A year later, I asked around and had a friend refer me to a dental practice that was covered by my insurance. I have been going to this practice for seven years now. On my first visit, I told the dentist about my previous experience and what I was looking for. She listened and gave me all the time in the world. On subsequent visits, the hygienist does most of the work and the dentist comes in to check – and always with a smile and something upbeat to say. In this timeframe I have only had one small cavity until last week when I needed a crown. I have never had anything other than cavities so I was nervous over this procedure.

I am writing about this today because I had an extraordinary experience that shifted my previous trauma and sense of being taken care of. What happened in this practice is unbelievable.
On the day of my crown, I made it clear how sensitive and nervous I was and reminded the dentist of my traumatic incident. They walked me through in detail everything they were going to do. They handled this procedure so differently than that day eight years ago. First, they gave me a local gel anesthetic before putting a needle in my mouth. Then, they used an instrument, not their judgment, to gauge my level of pain.

After giving me a couple of shots of Novocain, they placed an instrument on my tooth, and had me place my hand on the instrument with the doctor’s so I was in control. I could pull it away when I started to feel it. The way my system works, I didn’t do that but raised a leg instead. The doctor got the message. This instrument had a measure and I had to get up to a score of 80 before they felt it was safe to start to drill. They were surprised, but not upset about how long it took. She kept giving me small dosed shots of Novocain, waiting and checking on my level of sensation. I lost track after six shots. Finally I was ready.

Before they started to drill the dental assistant suggested I could use my iPod. I put in my earplugs and they started to drill. The high pitch of the drill affected me. No problem. She gave me a heavy set of headphones. I turned up my yoga music, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. A couple of times I had a moment of sensation. They stopped. My eyes started to tear. I couldn’t help it. A couple of times I apologized for taking so long and being “such a project.” It also helped that I had my partner there who rubbed my feet during most of the procedure.

The reaction from the dentist and dental assistant was, “no need to apologize. You are just sensitive.” It wasn’t, “you are too sensitive.” It is what it is. They said, “This isn’t bad. There are people who are worse. You just have a hot tooth. It’s not happy. It’s okay.”

A procedure I was told would take ninety minutes took three hours. No complaints or attitude from anyone in the office – just understanding and patience. This was healing for me on so many levels. The entire atmosphere felt accepting and nurturing. I never thought I would use that word for a dentist, but I do. Even the staff in the office were so pleasant, helping me navigate the last month of my dental insurance.

I was so touched when I left that I hugged the dental assistant and the dentist. I now do not have the same sense of dread for future procedures. Because my nerves were tended to with care, I have a lot of nerve for next time.

I also reflected on all of my experiences with this office over time and decided that an office doesn’t just get this way by itself. This is an environment that is set and cultivated by the doctors – the dentists and leaders of the practice are the ones who set the tone. There is a pervasive sense of friendliness and that they are there for the patients and that they really care. Care is the operative word. It’s the water everyone is swimming in, and it’s infectious. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

© Copyright 2016 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC. All rights Reserved.

Follow up Friday: Trauma and The Workplace

Monday my reflection questions were: Where are you challenged in your own leadership with bouncing back from set backs or traumatic events? What can you do to foster more open dialogue and listening in situations that involve tension or trauma?

The American Psychological Association defines trauma as “an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.”

Trauma is an extreme term that many leaders, if you are not working in fields directly that manage trauma (such as healthcare, the military, security, etc.), shy away from. And yet leaders or office workers are traumatized everyday – because of situations that happen at work – or because of toxic relationships with bosses or co-workers. Ultimately it comes down to the nature of the situation and that person’s make-up – if they are a sensitive person or not.

A traumatic situation at work could be where your life is in physical or emotional danger, or both. Examples could be a bomb threat, shooting or emotional disrespect or abuse. For example, years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter there was a gas leak in my company building. Ironically I was working for a healthcare company at the time. HR evacuated everyone to investigate and, those who had any physical reactions were sent to the hospital. Given my condition, I wanted to make sure nothing happened to the baby.

When I got back to the office, I told my boss I wasn’t comfortable working there that day, even though the inspectors cleared the building. She asked if I wanted to see the EAP (employee assistance program – counseling). I was taken aback. No, I did not. I said there was nothing wrong with my being concerned – it was based in reality not my feelings about reality. I felt my perspective was invalidated. I am not against counseling at all. As a matter of fact, I was trained as a therapist early in my career. In this instance, counseling was not the solution. I didn’t think I was traumatized by the gas leak, just appropriately concerned.

Different situations will trigger different people, based upon their history and sensitivities. You can also be traumatized by abusive or disrespectful relationships.

Here is what I realized this week: if you experience trauma in the context of a relationship, you can do your own work within yourself to come to terms with the relationship going forward. Yet the greatest reconciliation takes place in dialogue with another person.

What do I mean by trauma in the context of a relationship? We all have different levels of where we feel a trauma or not. A colleague and friend of mine uses this term to refer to a situation with a former boss. She says she was traumatized by how she was treated when she worked for that company – blatant yelling and swearing and sabotaging of her work. Sound crazy? It’s not as uncommon as you think. And this person worked in human resources!

A key question is, why does the people system allow behavior like this to continue?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Taming Fear: A Leader’s Job

In his article, Cognitive Therapy for the Country, Dr. Friedman highlights some of the most recent events of violence and social unrest here and abroad. It’s a provocative article with equally thought-inducing comments.

Dr. Friedman advocates that Obama uses the technique of Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to calm American’s fears. CBT is a process where you analyze your irrational thoughts and replace them with rational thoughts, to better manage your emotions.

There is a lot of research that supports managing the mind and perceptions can be a helpful approach to not allowing fear to overcome you. At the same time, some of those thoughts may be accurately based in reality. It’s important to also assess the events that are causing the fear, and get at the root cause of these events, to minimize or eradicate future such events. Another important question to consider is to what degree is the fear fed and escalated? Who benefits from this fear? So, this is a complex equation.

A job of any leader is taming the fears of it’s constituents in times of uncertainty, insecurity and unrest. A leader’s job is to protect, provide comfort and engage people in a hopeful vision for the future. There is a lot more I can say about this article and the political events happening today, but my intent is to use it as a prompt for reflection on your own leadership.

Who counts on you to lead them to a better future? What fears do they carry? Get clear on their thoughts and emotions – and speak to, and act on, those concerns in an honest, rigorous and authentic way. People know the difference.

At Sage Leadership, we support leaders in times of transition and challenge to get clear on their next best move. We are living in an era where sometimes, all you can discern – is your next best move to stay directed and focused on the path to making your vision a reality.

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Practice What Works: Pause and Breathe

Why is it that we don’t always practice what we know to be effective? Because we get caught up in the moment. Because we are triggered by something and get in a reactive mode. I know what works for me when I am triggered by something or someone is to pause and breathe. Sometimes I do well with this practice. Sometimes I don’t do so well.

When was the last time someone pressed your buttons? Or you felt attacked? Or you took things personally? Or things didn’t turn out the way you planned or discussed with your co-worker, boss or spouse?

I’m guessing this happens anywhere from one to twenty times a day. We have many opportunities on a daily basis to do a mid-moment, course correction – not just on “correcting other people” but on adjusting ourselves in how we respond to what shows up.

I had this experience today. I’ll just say, I intended to get clarity on why something appeared the way it was. The person receiving my communication felt criticized and attacked me back. I got triggered and was more reactive than I could have been. I realized it would have been move helpful for me to pause, take a breath or come back to it on another day.

But then I did what I tell my clients to do: debriefed with a trusted advisor, reached out to follow up with the person to clear the air going forward, and solidified my resolve to take space in the moment going forward, enlisting support from those who know what I am working on.

Where do you get triggered? Who do you trust to help you stay focused on better managing yourself for better outcomes?

©Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

Words of Manic Monday by The Bangles and modified by Susan Shaner. Musician: Dan Brodax.

Where can you find the magic at work this week?

This week I invite you to find the magic in an emotion that many people run from – terror.

Once we commit to a lofty goal or new relationship, and the reality of what it will take to achieve success sinks in, we experience excitement at it’s best, or stress, fear, panic or terror at it’s worst.

Terror comes from being out of your comfort zone – big time. It comes from a feeling of being vulnerable or a perception of not being safe. Our primitive brain is wired for survival and when we perceive a threat, we go into protect mode – which is why our negative mind is so powerful. It becomes not just a mental thing – but physiological: a racing heartbeat and sweaty or cold and clammy palms, or perhaps some sleepless nights. The more terror you feel, the more you are stretching. The more you stretch, the more risk and potential for failure – or unbridled success. Terror often appears when you are on the verge of a breakthrough.

You may think “terror” is too dramatic. Sometimes at work we can get in the left brain analytical mode and try and navigate matters from the neck up only. Managing your personal energy means being honest with what you are really experiencing. When we ignore our body’s cues we are leaving out important information that can impede our progress.

Think of a specific situation: Has your boss given you a visible assignment that you are not sure you can pull off? Maybe you are taking a risk with a new product or market and your reputation is on the line. Or perhaps you have taken a huge risk – financially, emotionally or physically.

I invite you this week to notice what is going on beneath the surface of what you present to people. How are you holding all that is on your plate? What sensations show up in your body? What emotions are you experiencing? Fear? Terror? What is the terror about? The benefit of naming it is that you can channel that energy more constructively for a clearer, more direct pathway forward.

This week’s reflection: What do you notice about your body’s cues this week? How can you use the energy of terror in constructive ways?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Follow up Friday: How Can You Set Yourself Up for Breakthroughs?

Monday’s reflection questions were: What additional supports or resources do you need to get yourself set up to shift your mindset and/or achieve a breakthrough? Where do you need to be more committed?

The second question implies that if you are more committed, you will achieve a breakthrough. Sometimes this is the case. Sometimes it’s how we hold that commitment.

As I reflected on these questions this week, what I discovered through my experience in interacting with others and doing my own work is, when I am committed to an outcome, I will put in extra effort to try and make it happen. However, when I am attached to expectations of how things “should go” – how to get there or what others should do to get there – then I can run into problems – at best be disappointed, at worst alienate or frustrate others.

I also saw that when I am more focused and disciplined in my actions in striving for the outcome, I experience a breakthrough. I am able to get beyond where I have felt stuck, or there hasn’t been as much progress made in the past. When I stick to pursuing the right actions or step back and get perspective on a situation, this is when I set myself up for things to shift.

I am writing a book and lately have been approaching it from the perspective of willing myself to be disciplined with the numbers of hours and focus I am giving it. After getting feedback from trusted colleagues this week, I was able to crystallize a certain aspect of my target audience that allowed the ideas to flow more easily. Seems obvious, but being willing to be vulnerable and risk inviting others into my process is ultimately what led to my breakthrough.

My writing is now coming from a place of excitement versus “work.” I was reminded to make sure to focus on where the “work” is fun and not just focus on the push to get it done or the fear if it’s not done. It’s all about how I manage myself and my perspective – how I hold the intention of commitment and achievement.

What did you discover this week?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Words of Manic Monday by The Bangles and modified by Susan Shaner. Musician: Dan Brodax.

Where can you find the magic at work this week?

This past weekend, I participated in a development program and signed up for a mastermind group. I did one of these groups a number of years ago and did not have a great experience. This time it feels different. It’s different for two reasons: I’m different, and the leader is truly a role model for the skills I am working on.

A Mastermind group not only teaches you skills but also holds the space for you to maintain a growth mindset when stretching toward your goals. After trying and failing, or meeting marginal results, in one key aspect of my business, I decided it was time again to tap into the collective energy of a focused group and mentor. I chose to get myself set up with this particular group because of the energy I experienced living with them for three days, and the behaviors that the leader demonstrated. I want to emulate her approach.

I’m different because I am truly committed to change. The groups I joined in prior years didn’t work because I didn’t fully commit and wasn’t disciplined about the work. I’m sufficiently disgusted with myself and done with that pattern of sporadic, inconsistent effort.

The leader is different because I chose someone who embodies the skills that I need and have struggled with. She has a proven track record of success over multiple years. The skills I am focused on have been both my greatest fear and greatest inhibitor to growth of my business and my leadership.

Now that I have committed, I am tapping into the courage required to go into unknown territory. It’s humbling and I feel vulnerable. As a result, it requires that I reach out for help and support. The first time I did this was in a small subgroup of women in the mastermind.

I had a completely different experience – one of support and breakthrough. They were there for me – saw me – and offered wonderful suggestions that allowed me to rethink the title of the book I’m working on. I made more movement on this work in one hour than I have in the last month ruminating on it in my own mind.

This week’s reflection – What additional supports or resources do you need to get yourself set up to shift your mindset and/or achieve a breakthrough? Where do you need to be more committed?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.