Working with Grief & Shock

Last Monday, I said I would post an entry every week on Magic Mondays, with a Follow-up Friday.
Sometimes we can have the best laid plans…
And then life hits us in the face.

I was getting ready to post a completely different blog entry today when I got an email from a fellow yoga instructor, that stopped me in my tracks. A friend of mine, who had gone through yoga teacher training with us, was murdered by her husband last night during the lunar eclipse.

I have been in shock and grieving ever since.

My original entry is not important now.

I last saw this friend, Lisa, on August 2^nd, at a party when she told me she was going to file for divorce. I suggested she think carefully about how, where, when she would tell her husband as she had some concerns about his reaction.

I texted her 12 days ago to check-in and see how she was doing. I did not hear back so called and left a voicemail message last week. People get busy and you eventually catch up with each other… or so you hope. My heart goes out to Lisa and her family, particularly her four children – who now have no parents.

It’s ironic that last week I was talking about guns, violence and mental illness.  Needless to say, I wasn’t productive after this news today. Our yoga community supported each other via calls and emails. One of our mutual friends and fellow instructor, came over and we hugged, talked, did some healing meditations and said prayers for Lisa and her family.

Being connected with family and friends helps with shock and grief – so does talking, expressing, and trying to make sense of senseless acts. I noticed I was judging myself because I broke down and cried. Why wouldn’t I? It’s horrific news. Why was I judging myself at this time?

My reflection question for myself and others going through something similar:
What helps with exercising self-care in processing the loss and senseless act of violence and looking for ways to help those effected?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Follow up Friday: Peace & Habits

In reflecting on the question this week, what is getting in the way of experiencing more peace in my life, here is what I noticed: sometimes I have difficulty letting go of the past, particularly memories, emotions or ways of making meaning that are negative. When I recall such thoughts, I don’t end up feeling good about myself, a person or a situation. This gets in the way of constructive thinking and my being in the present moment.

I also noticed that my habits serve and don’t serve me in experiencing more peace. For example, some of my habits around organization and bookkeeping could be more consistent and disciplined to reduce anxiety. Other mental habits around the way I think about myself could be more consistently positive. Occasionally my perfectionistic tendencies creep back in, which can result in negative self-talk or delayed action. However, I do tend to notice this earlier in my process and nudge myself to be more curious and comfortable with playing and experimenting instead of getting everything “just right,” more of the time instead.

What did you notice this week?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Grief & Peace: Recovery and Re-emergence

In honor of Global Peace Day & The Autumnal Equinox, I am restarting my blog.

The last time I wrote was the day of the Sandy Hook tragedy. I live 10 minutes from there and know many people directly effected by the events and the lives lost. In the last three years, I’ve learned much about myself and my community’s capacity to be resilient, to move from grief to finding some peace.

The first step to world peace is to create more peace within yourself. As Gandhi said, “be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I don’t know if it’s possible to find absolute peace. Maybe the point is to find more peace, more often and experience it longer. What I do know is, fostering peace starts with owning your thoughts, feelings and reactions. When we can manage what goes on within ourselves, we can better manage our outer world. So too, events outside ourselves trigger thoughts and emotions, so it is a constant dynamic process tending to inner reactions and outer events.

At the time of Sandy Hook I was already awash in my own grief struggling to stay focused on work while I processed numerous simultaneous personal losses (including death of my father, a close friend, and estrangement from some family members). I do not mean to put my personal losses in the same category as Sandy Hook. This was a horrific event that sent shock waves around the world. My point is that, for me, it added to an already full cup of grief and pain I was processing.

In the weeks that followed, I wanted to help so volunteered my services (in addition to leadership consulting, I also teach yoga, meditation and do energy healing work). Giving service helped me process and put my own life in perspective. My neighbors got active as well. There was much advocacy done to reduce gun violence and better address mental health services. There is still much work to be done – but progress has been made. When people are angry and grieving healing can be facilitated by taking action.

If we can tend to what is within us with care, we are better able to attend to what lies before us and lead with a fuller heart. Today, we need leaders to not just have the mental capacity to solve complex problems but those who “get it” – who bring compassion so solutions are more sustainable for us and the planet.

As with many of my neighbors, I’ve gone through my own personal transformation. This means: trans – formed – to go beyond how you were formed. Inherent in this is a searching, questioning and an internal reconfiguring. This process can bring tears and the expression of strong emotions, not just rationally plowing through getting stuff done on the long “to do” list. We live in a popular culture that does not understand grief and value the internal life – how to tend to our “being” vs. “doing.”

Invitation: Take inventory this week and notice what is holding you back from feeling more at peace in your life? What needs tending to in your inner life? Do you have unexpressed grief? Are you driving yourself to get everything done but really feel depleted and drained?

Just notice what comes up. I will reflect on these questions as well and share in a post on Friday.

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Newtown Shooting & Every Parent’s Worst Nightmare

My daughter is in high school, the next town over, 15 minutes from the shootings. I received a recorded call about 11:00, “Schools are on lockdown due to the situation at Newtown.” I had no idea what was gong on.

I don’t have a TV so searched online for “news Newtown CT.” Ironically while this was unfolding, my cable company came and I obtained TV for the first time in 2 years. The timing was fortunate in that I was able to quickly pull up the news and am watching the news unfold as I write this.
Our modern age has boundaries more porous than ever. The fact that this gunman was able to get into the school is unbelievable. Also, I was able to text my daughter and reassure her. She told me they didn’t have a lot of news but were in their classrooms carrying on class and the teacher and students were online trying to get news.

At first, it was just the gunman dead. Then one child dead. Now they are saying 27 people dead, 18 of them children. As I write this the numbers are changing. The gunman is 20 years old. These are elementary school students!

It’s been 13 years since Columbine – and this appears to be many more lives. I’m all for freedom of rights but how many more of our children need to be killed before we look more seriously at gunlaws?

The world has become a scarier place with many people in pain and taking it out on those around them. How do we simultaneously protect our children, observe, notice and treat those in pain? How many more children need to die before better actions are taken?

As part of my yoga community, I was planning a healing circle tonight. Now we will have a much fuller circle – of shock and pain join us.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Achieving Success: Are You Sticking Your Neck Out Far Enough and Long Enough, Regardless of The Outcome?

“I learned I wasn’t in charge of success.  I was in charge of the process that hopefully would yield more success than failure.  I began to be guided by three navigational stakes:

1. My process and my diligence to execute was the best I could do.
2. My attitude and determination to remain positive and confident was a critical catalyst for my success.
3. My resiliency and ability to see failure as but a speed bump on the road to success allowed me to get back up when I was knocked down. “

These are keen insights from Peter Gruber, in his blog post: “Dealing With The Turkeys In Your Life.” At a time, when we are experiencing a lot of chaos, uncertainty and failure – by leaders, corporations and organizations – it’s important to take a longer-term perspective and understand the science of success. You cannot omit failure from the equation, particularly if you are wrestling with building alternative solutions in a complex and changing landscape.

The key is accepting and working with this reality, learning to play and keep your ego in check. Really living like you can’t control others and events, is the first step to wisdom. Acting on what you can control and accepting what you can’t is necessary to taking control of your life or your organization. Anyone in sales will tell you, being successful is a numbers game.

I hate sports analogies but a baseball one is helpful here: the more times up at bat the greater your opportunity to score runs. The more you risk, the greater your chances of succeeding are. This also raises your chance of failing as well. Babe Ruth, an American baseball player who, in his day, beat the record for highest number of homeruns, also had a significantly high number of strikeouts. Why? Every time he was up at bat he gave it his all and was trying for the homerun. His homerun to hits was about 3:1.

If you aren’t risking and sticking your neck out until you feel uncertain, then you are missing an opportunity for real growth – which always lies beyond that which you know or have mastered. Once you’ve done your due diligence and analysis, any decision has an element of artistry or judgment. These days that element may be more pronounced. Failure must accompany sustained or repeated success. Accept this and move on.

It’s not about never failing but asking yourself, what do you do when you fail? Cover it up, rationalize it or own it. How do you learn from it and incorporate it into you how you move forward? What kind of support do you need to increase and sustain the amount of time you are stretched out on a limb?

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Gratitude and Pausing For The Unexpected

The other day I took the train into New York City and arrived at Grand Central Station 45 minutes early for my appointment. This gave me time to walk downstairs to use the restroom. As I hit the last step I suddenly noticed a light, gorgeous melodic sound floating through the air. I couldn’t place it’s source and thought maybe it was being pumped in from the ceiling. Then I sensed it was coming from behind a 3 foot pillar. I walked around the post and discovered a treasure – a gentleman, wearing a derby hat with a tie playing the harp. Yep, he’s the “HarpguyNYC,” Otherwise known as Eric Heger.

Harp

Like an angel from heaven. He sat there gracious, smiling and plucking away. I could have carried on, walking bruskly by like everyone around me. But I decided to stay and appreciate this wonderful gift – and to film him on my iphone. What amazed me even more is he was selling his CDs and his sign read: “Pay What You Want.” What does this mean really? Pay what you have? Pay what you think this CD is worth? Pay what you are willing to pay? Pay what you can get away with?

This man trusted he would somehow be taken care of and get what he needed. Or get what he deserved. There was no fear emanating from him. I did pick up a CD and put $20 in his case which seemed so little for this concert and attitude uplift.

A mere 10 minute pause and my energy was shifted. A twinkle below grade added a lightness to my day and sparkle in my step. And it allowed me to take an important lesson of trust from this gifted musician.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day in the United States – a day that is just about having a meal with family and friends and being grateful for what we have. It’s my favorite holiday because it is not about what you are giving or getting but about appreciating what you have with those you love and who love and appreciate you.

At a time when much of the world is in pain and chaos, let’s focus on what can help us walk through the thick of it with more grace and peace. Look around and notice the music in your life. Where do things work? Where is there flow? And be grateful. Just for Today.
Thank you for reading.

© Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Being Present To What Is… And Breathing Into Life, Allows Change To Integrate

I took a break from this blog for 100+ days to regroup on my personal and professional life. All I knew is that I needed time to integrate some deeply disturbing personal matters and to not be so public for a time. And despite what I did or didn’t do, stuff happens anyway.

It’s amazing what a business quarter can bring…. And it’s amazing what radical inner re-sculpting events can activate.

My world changed forever and completely in this time:
My father died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Hurricane Sandy wreaked havoc on the Northeast U.S.
The U.S. re-elected President Obama.

My worked carried on but I am different on the inside being effected by these events:

I take nothing for granted.
I am working on radical acceptance of what is.
I have tremendous gratitude for what I have and who I am.

Just those three events aroused a ton of of other emotions in me: grief, sadness, relief, safety, insecurity, loss, hope, joy.

Even though I was able to sit vigil and say good-bye to my dad while the infection that ravaged his body took him within a week, he is still gone and I miss him. Even though I suffered minimal damage from the hurricane, thousands are still suffering and I’m aware of that. Even though I chose Obama as being the better of no-perfect candidate, his re-election still has implications.

Profound loss for what was, what could have been. I’m working on accepting what is. …and understanding what it means for my life going forward.

That’s all for now. Sometimes taking pause and breathing in change is enough. For now.

It’s like in my yoga practice – one of the greatest poses is shavasana. This is where you are lying down resting. It allows for your body to integrate all that has come before it to help it reset itself. In our culture allowing for integration is not valued. We rarely pause and are on to the next thing. Ebb and flow is the grace of nature that can be our greatest teacher, if we allow it.

Sometimes nothing happens on the outside but we change drastically inside. Sometimes major things happen externally and we don’t change inside. Sometimes it’s hard to change both our external circumstances and our worldview at once. All change requires energy – and we have a finite amount to manage. When things are moving, you need stability somewhere to navigate the waters. Slow down and listen. I am talking to myself here.

I’m learning to allow more space between activity and accomplishments. This fosters integration, the precursor to wisdom.

What is new in your world – either on the inside or the outside?

Copyright 2012 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.