Follow up Friday: Being Liked Or Respected – Can You Be Both?

This week’s question: What conditioning supports or impedes you in accomplishing what you want?

Here’s is what I noticed with one of my clients who is struggling with her leadership team. She really wants to be like, and for people to love working for her. She feels her leadership team is holding her back by not being proactive and not doing what they say they will do. So, this week we explored the difference between being nurturing and holding people accountable.

She said she didn’t have any female role models who could do both – women are either too nurturing and pushovers or too firm and called b—hes for being assertive. What does this story have to do with conditioning? Everything! We have a cultural, collective conditioning around gender stereotypes.

Why is it not okay for a woman leader to be both nurturing and assertive in holding people accountable? How can women do this? Of course this applies to men also – stereotypically men are more comfortable in holding people accountable than being nurturing.

Keeping either men or women stuck in one of these ways of being is not helpful. We need both men and women leaders to exercise both characteristics – nurture and develop their people – but also be firm and hold them accountable when they haven’t done something that they need to do or the way in which they need to do it.

Another way to explore these two polarities is to wrestle with the question how can you be liked and also be respected for making tough decisions?

In the case of my client, She is making progress on her pattern of not acting on what she knows she needs to do. Do you have a pattern of behaving that is getting in the way of your success? Do you need help replacing it with a more effective pattern? If so, I’d love to hear from you and see how I can help.

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Magic Monday: What’s Conditioning Go To Do With It?

Words of Manic Monday by The Bangles and modified by Susan Shaner. Musician: Dan Brodax.

Where can you find the magic at work?

Last week we talked about how terror makes you acutely aware of your gap: how far you are from where you want to be. Today I am asking you to analyze how your conditioning supports or impedes your ability to close that gap. The belief that you can or can’t do something is a huge factor in your success.

I always told my daughter she was smart and creative and if she worked hard enough, she could do or be anything she set her mind to. When she was 7 or 8 years old, she was trying to unfasten the bolt on the handlebars on her bicycle so we could raise it. It was really stuck. She began grunting and groaning trying with all her might to loosen it. I tried and realized it was stronger than both of us. She pulled the bike back from me. I asked her to let my friend, Dan, try as the bolt was really stuck.

She wouldn’t let go of the bike. I said, “It’s too hard. Let him do it.”

She screamed in agonizing frustration, “NOOOO!!!! I can do it!!! You always told me I could do anything!”

Stopped in my tracks, my mind raced. She was resilient and strong-willed – a good thing. How do I help her understand when to persevere against all odds, when to accept help and when to accept the limitations of her ability in an empowered way? Big questions for a young girl and even bigger questions that we live with as adults.

My daughter is now a freshwoman at a highly competitive college, so clearly she got past the defeat of the bicycle. Since, she and I have had dozens of conversations about navigating what I call the discernment space: how to know when you need to push forward – work harder, smarter or be more disciplined – and when you need to let go and accept help or give up and realize your limitations and cull the learnings to move forward differently.

This week’s reflection question: What conditioning supports or impedes you in accomplishing what you want?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Follow up Fridays: Facing Terror Head-On

This week’s reflection: What do I notice about my body’s cues? How can I use the energy of terror in constructive ways?

Lately I’ve been taking risky and bold moves which can activate my terror triggers. It showed up in my breath – stopped – or I was breathing shallowly. My chest constricted, my shoulders were tense and I had a lump in my throat. Once aware, I would breathe deeply for several minutes, raise my arms and shake them. Changing my environment, getting my body moving and taking a walk outside in the fresh fall air helped.

My mind then shifted perspective so the terror didn’t paralyze me, just gripped my attention lifting the racing thoughts in my head. I could better presence the moment, not racing into the future of “what ifs.” That’s all fiction and my imagination.

Calmed, I got curious and asked myself – what is really going on? What am I really terrified of?

I also reached out to trusted confidantes to use them as a sounding board & reality check. They reminded me of my strengths and resources, grounding me back into the possible. Finally, I addressed head-on that which I perceived to be the source of my terror – the chasm between where I was and where I wanted to be. I saw three choices – snap back to current reality and give up the aspiration, think about the gap differently or strengthen the vision and resolve on the goal. I ended the week having released & channeled some of this intensity landing on the latter two.

In the words of Darren Hardy, “To be scared is to give up your power. Do what scares you. Gain your power back.”

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Words of Manic Monday by The Bangles and modified by Susan Shaner. Musician: Dan Brodax.

Where can you find the magic at work this week?

This week I invite you to find the magic in an emotion that many people run from – terror.

Once we commit to a lofty goal or new relationship, and the reality of what it will take to achieve success sinks in, we experience excitement at it’s best, or stress, fear, panic or terror at it’s worst.

Terror comes from being out of your comfort zone – big time. It comes from a feeling of being vulnerable or a perception of not being safe. Our primitive brain is wired for survival and when we perceive a threat, we go into protect mode – which is why our negative mind is so powerful. It becomes not just a mental thing – but physiological: a racing heartbeat and sweaty or cold and clammy palms, or perhaps some sleepless nights. The more terror you feel, the more you are stretching. The more you stretch, the more risk and potential for failure – or unbridled success. Terror often appears when you are on the verge of a breakthrough.

You may think “terror” is too dramatic. Sometimes at work we can get in the left brain analytical mode and try and navigate matters from the neck up only. Managing your personal energy means being honest with what you are really experiencing. When we ignore our body’s cues we are leaving out important information that can impede our progress.

Think of a specific situation: Has your boss given you a visible assignment that you are not sure you can pull off? Maybe you are taking a risk with a new product or market and your reputation is on the line. Or perhaps you have taken a huge risk – financially, emotionally or physically.

I invite you this week to notice what is going on beneath the surface of what you present to people. How are you holding all that is on your plate? What sensations show up in your body? What emotions are you experiencing? Fear? Terror? What is the terror about? The benefit of naming it is that you can channel that energy more constructively for a clearer, more direct pathway forward.

This week’s reflection: What do you notice about your body’s cues this week? How can you use the energy of terror in constructive ways?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Follow up Friday: How Can You Set Yourself Up for Breakthroughs?

Monday’s reflection questions were: What additional supports or resources do you need to get yourself set up to shift your mindset and/or achieve a breakthrough? Where do you need to be more committed?

The second question implies that if you are more committed, you will achieve a breakthrough. Sometimes this is the case. Sometimes it’s how we hold that commitment.

As I reflected on these questions this week, what I discovered through my experience in interacting with others and doing my own work is, when I am committed to an outcome, I will put in extra effort to try and make it happen. However, when I am attached to expectations of how things “should go” – how to get there or what others should do to get there – then I can run into problems – at best be disappointed, at worst alienate or frustrate others.

I also saw that when I am more focused and disciplined in my actions in striving for the outcome, I experience a breakthrough. I am able to get beyond where I have felt stuck, or there hasn’t been as much progress made in the past. When I stick to pursuing the right actions or step back and get perspective on a situation, this is when I set myself up for things to shift.

I am writing a book and lately have been approaching it from the perspective of willing myself to be disciplined with the numbers of hours and focus I am giving it. After getting feedback from trusted colleagues this week, I was able to crystallize a certain aspect of my target audience that allowed the ideas to flow more easily. Seems obvious, but being willing to be vulnerable and risk inviting others into my process is ultimately what led to my breakthrough.

My writing is now coming from a place of excitement versus “work.” I was reminded to make sure to focus on where the “work” is fun and not just focus on the push to get it done or the fear if it’s not done. It’s all about how I manage myself and my perspective – how I hold the intention of commitment and achievement.

What did you discover this week?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Words of Manic Monday by The Bangles and modified by Susan Shaner. Musician: Dan Brodax.

Where can you find the magic at work this week?

This past weekend, I participated in a development program and signed up for a mastermind group. I did one of these groups a number of years ago and did not have a great experience. This time it feels different. It’s different for two reasons: I’m different, and the leader is truly a role model for the skills I am working on.

A Mastermind group not only teaches you skills but also holds the space for you to maintain a growth mindset when stretching toward your goals. After trying and failing, or meeting marginal results, in one key aspect of my business, I decided it was time again to tap into the collective energy of a focused group and mentor. I chose to get myself set up with this particular group because of the energy I experienced living with them for three days, and the behaviors that the leader demonstrated. I want to emulate her approach.

I’m different because I am truly committed to change. The groups I joined in prior years didn’t work because I didn’t fully commit and wasn’t disciplined about the work. I’m sufficiently disgusted with myself and done with that pattern of sporadic, inconsistent effort.

The leader is different because I chose someone who embodies the skills that I need and have struggled with. She has a proven track record of success over multiple years. The skills I am focused on have been both my greatest fear and greatest inhibitor to growth of my business and my leadership.

Now that I have committed, I am tapping into the courage required to go into unknown territory. It’s humbling and I feel vulnerable. As a result, it requires that I reach out for help and support. The first time I did this was in a small subgroup of women in the mastermind.

I had a completely different experience – one of support and breakthrough. They were there for me – saw me – and offered wonderful suggestions that allowed me to rethink the title of the book I’m working on. I made more movement on this work in one hour than I have in the last month ruminating on it in my own mind.

This week’s reflection – What additional supports or resources do you need to get yourself set up to shift your mindset and/or achieve a breakthrough? Where do you need to be more committed?

© Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.

Follow-up Friday: What Does Magic Mean to You?

My reflection question was not only what does magic mean to you, but where do you find it at play in your life?

I’ve given lots of thought to this question and decided that when I experience synchronous events, it feels magical to me. You know when you think about someone and they call you in that instant. Magic can be my mindset or a feeling that allows me to shift my perspective at will – to see the possibilities versus the dangers. It can be those times when we have an insight and something has shifted that has opened up a new way of seeing a person or a situation that we didn’t have access to before.

The last few days I have been participating in an intensive development program focused on how I can improve my own leadership and the running of my business. I have been doing a lot of networking at this program and, while I am meeting a lot of people, the real magic has happened when I let my guard down, am vulnerable and authentic, connecting with people in a genuine way. Magic happens when I am out of my comfort zone. At these times, I’ve found that I discover that we have a lot in common – either in business perspectives or with personal interests.

I made a commitment today to invest in this development program at the next level. This was a scary and exciting step for me, not only because of the large financial investment, but also in terms of the magic I am inviting in – the potential to allow myself to be transformed by the work, stepping up to my next leadership challenge. Magic can start with accepting an invitation to change. Then we never know where it will lead us…

 © Copyright 2015 Sage Leadership Strategies, LLC All rights Reserved.